Because I love you
by Mycetina
Summary: Translation - It's an ordinary day, the day of my death. Don't cry, I have no regrets. OS, Deathfic


Author's note :

This is my first fanfiction in english. I hope there aren't too much mistakes because I rarely write in an other language. Please, let me know what you think about it.

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The alarm clock ring. Lazily, I get my arm out of my blanket and quickly switch it off because this sound acutely tires me and gets on my nerves. I don't want to go out of my warmth cocoon but I have no choice. I sigh and slowly stretch my legs. Getting rid of the bloody images of my nightmares out of my mind, I wake up and go to the bathroom without take care of what happens around me. I take off my pyjamas and leave them on the floor while I take a searing shower. While I feel I'm suffocate in the middle of the water vapour, my thoughts move towards you, like they do every morning since an eternity. I close my eyes, trying not to dream up your face, but even if I want to think about an other thing which is totally distinct of you, and which hasn't any connection with you, I always come back to you. Will you stop to pursue me one day ? Some dizzinesses warm me I am too lingered under water. By the way, Mary and Valentine are knocking at the door, hoping to take my place. I wipe me, get dressed with my uniform and brush my hair quickly before leaving the place.

"Finally you're out !" Valentine grumbles.

"I hope you don't use all the hot water !" Mary adds.

I don't answer. It would be useless anyway. Whether I speak or not, it doesn't matter because my words are void of interest. I grasp my bag, fulminating against the zip which doesn't want to be closed due to the high number of books I have to carry around. I will not use them but, as a very good little girl, I continue to take them. I go down to the common room, shaking at the thought I can run into you. Fortunately, you aren't an early-waked up person, and you are sleeping right now. I leave the room without open my mouth to say "hello". Nobody cares, greets me or smiles at me. The other people have kisses, handshakes or hugs, but not me. It is human nature to reject those who think and live differently. I'm used to it but, in the deep my heart, it hurts me. I'm alone.

The Great Hall is already full of people. Invisible, I slip into the crowd of students who rush to eat. I look for a place at the Gryffindor table where everyone is talking and laughing, and I see several free places. However, each of them is close to one of the many groups of students that have been formed on the first days of class. I don't want to sit there. They might think I'm listening to them and I would only disturb them, just by my presence. Anyway, I'm not hungry. Why the hell did I come ? I know it : I never eat in the morning. Exasperated by my own behaviour, I want to leave the room.

At this moment, you appear. My heart beats so hard that I'm sure everyone can hear it. All eyes are on you, but it's normal : you're so beautiful, an angel compared to the humans around you. There are the prefects and your best friends, Hermione Granger, and Ronald Weasley - even I doubt he's very competent as a prefect -, his younger sister, this stupid Ginny Weasley who literally slobbers on you, and the others. Always the same people, your friends. Not far behind you, undressing you by their looks and chuckling, there are these bunch of chicks who you strive not to pay attention. They only see you as the Survivor, maybe I do too, but I want to know you. I see you but you will not see me even if I'm in front of you, planted and blushing more than it would be allowed. Seeing you disturbs me. I'm hot, very hot. What should I think ? What should I do ? I don't understand why you are obsessing me. I have to go out... right now ! I gather all my courage and, eyes stubbornly down on the tips of my shoes and my hands clinging to my bag, I pass near to you as quickly as possible to disappear in the corridors of Hogwarts. But I have heard the sound of your voice and it doesn't want to go out of my head. It's a heady melody but the most beautiful one.

I arrive first in front of the d _efence_ against the dark arts classroom and, leaning quietly against the wall, I wait for time to pass. The others eventually arrive in small groups but no one comes near to me. I'm alone. The professor arrives, the class begins. You're not here, surely you'll be late. Here you are. Your cheeks are slightly red because you probably ran. The professor lets you in and you sit down, followed by your friends. You walk near to me. I hold my breath but you don't notice. Nobody never does, but it hurts more when it's you. I'm sure you don't even know my name or my existence. During the class, I do my best to avoid thinking about you and I try to focus on the proposed exercise, but my eyes drift to you against my wishes. You are so beautiful, an angel, the one I would like to capture, the one who will always remain free. The others look at you too. It makes me jealous, but what can I do ? You are my sun, my universe, but I have to share you. Even in my dreams. Why ? Why love is so painful ? If only everything could stop…

The class finishes and I hurry to pack my things to go out first. Above all, do not look at you ! I close my eyes for safety and run to ancient rune class. At least, you're not in this class, so I'm going to be peaceful during two hours, with no need to control each of my movements. I sit in a corner of the room and take out a parchment on which I begin to scribble. Two girls sit behind me and start whispering.

"He is too handsome. I would like so much that he speaks to me !" the one says.

Of course, she is talking about you... I'm cursed...

"It's almost Christmas and I've no idea of gifts for him. Can you help me ?" the second girl answers.

"I'll offer him a gold chain with our initials intertwined... I love him so much. I hope he will enjoy it !"

"It seems that Isabelle had managed to kiss him yesterday, but I think she lied because I know it's me he loves. But he is too shy to say it to me !"

"Don't say nonsenses, I am his soul mate," the other replied, chuckling.

Frankly, I prefer to be deaf than to hear nonsense like that. Don't humans realize the stupid things they utter every time they open their mouths ? But, it's true : Christmas is in few days. Maybe I could offer you something too... I don't know anything about your tastes and I would only be burdened with my stupid gifts, like all the others. Because I'm not really different from them : I hope in secret and in vain to hear these three words that will change my life, those that I dare not formulate myself : "I love you". You will never pronounce them for me. I'm alone. My eyes sting, I want to cry. I can't. I have to stay calm and not to think about you who lacerates my heart a little more every moment. Why don't you leave me in peace ? I find your face in the thousands of runes drawn on my parchment, I can't focus anymore. You are obsessing me.

This is the lunch hour and I go for the second time of the day in the Great Hall. I find a place far from the others and start eating. I don't like many foods, so why am I so fat ? I will never be pretty if I don't lose weight. Nobody likes huge girls and it's probably the same for you. I look at my plate. I should eat, but I'm not hungry anymore.

I would like to disappear, to lock myself up somewhere, to die. Thereby, I wouldn't have to endure those feelings that torture me. Tears run my cheeks and I wonder why I'm crying. I know the answer and I don' know it at the same time. And that irritates me. I want to scream, to shout to the world how much I hate it and how much I hate you. A group of girls put their eyes on me. They wonder vaguely about the reasons of my tears, but in reality they could not care less about it. Nobody will come to put tenderly a hand on my shoulder and ask me what is the wrong with me. It would be useless, I would say nothing because you are the only one to whom I ardently wish to speak. I get up, feeling empty, different from all the other humans around me, and I leave the room. I would like someone to hold me back but I know that it will never happen. I'm alone.

Once I'm alone in the park, I feel a little better. Sitting on the edge of lake, in the white snow, I listen to the sounds of nature. Everything is so quiet, so peaceful... and so noisy. The silence never seems me so heavy. I'm choking, I can't stand my life anymore, I'm falling apart. I put my arms around my legs. Deliver me from this hell ! Help ! Help me ! I'm crying again. I can't think properly. Why am I so weak ? A little girl among many others, who can't understand herself. I don't like the company, but I don't like this permanent loneliness in which I has locked myself. I thought I was self-sufficient. How presumptuous I was ! Unfortunately, it is too late for me. The fatigue overwhelms me. I don't want to sleep but my mind decides otherwise and plunges me into the arms of Morpheus.

A dream. No a nightmare... As soon as you give me a minute of break, I'm back in this prison. This place is dark. I see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing. It is the most complete emptiness. And I, terrified poor little kid, I'm waiting, locked in this damn cage with bars encrusted with dirt and dried blood. I'm waiting, I'm waiting, but nothing happens. Never anything happens. I'm waiting and I will wait forever. What am I waiting for ? I don't know but I know nothing will happen. The minutes pass, the hours pass, time passes. I'm alone.

Snow has begun to fall during my sleep, settling in soft flakes on my frozen skin. How long did I sleep? Even if I ask the question, they would not answer me. I miss a lot of classes and yet I'm sure none of my "little friends" noticed my absence. This is always the case when someone plays the role of the invisible student. A bitter laugh escapes from me without I realize it. I hate this world, I hate students, I hate you, I hate myself, I hate the life. I take my wand out of my pocket and look at it for a few moments. Have I the courage to put an end to this suffering that oppresses me ?

I make appear a sharp dagger, thanks to an ancient family spell. I take it and observe my reflection in its white blade. Like everyone else, I'm not afraid of death but I'm scared of pain. It's different and at the same time similar to the one I live today. I stand up and firm my hand on the dagger, doubting my next move. I want to do it, but I don't have to ; I want it, I must do it, for me, for you, because of you. Do not think, just act. I cut violently my belly. I remove it from my flesh and start again several times. Strange... I'm not feeling anything and yet I collapse. My blood stains the immaculate snow of an infamous ruddy colour. The sky is scrambling. I close my eyes, welcoming the death. Suddenly, a voice came to me and, even if I don't understand what it says, I recognize it. It's yours. I fight against the sleep that invades me to see your face one last time.

"Why... ?" you murmur while Granger tries to heal my wounds.

It will not succeed. No one will deprive me of my freedom. Not even you ! I feel your arms surround me.

"Because I love you..." I whisper after gathering my last strength.

I quietly close my eyes.

All of a sudden, nothing is mattering anymore. I perceive the beating of your heart in your chest and then, nothing. It's dark, it's the death, my deliverance. Finally.


End file.
